I have atrocious posture. I’ve slouched since junior high, I imagine as the combined result of growing both upwards and outwards in puberty – two directions that make many young girls uncomfortable. I knew I hunched, I knew it was bad for me, and I did nothing to change it.

About a year ago my neck began to hurt. A lot. It was a lie-on-the-floor-of-your-office-in-the-middle-of-the-day kind of pain. I thought it was stress. Things had been tough at work, and I wondered if maybe it was getting to me. Turning to the left hurt for awhile, then I developed a sort of constant, dull ache. Soon I could barely move at all. I went to the doctor.

After examining me and asking zero questions about my stress level, she told me my neck pain was caused by my posture, and probably aggravated by the way I sat at my computer at work. She prescribed a book called “Treat Your Own Neck,” a title that my boyfriend found hilariously passive-aggressive coming from a doctor. The book walked you through a series of exercises meant to treat and prevent neck pain. I had my reservations, but she also gave me some muscle relaxers to take in the evening, so I thought I’d give her the benefit of the doubt.

I only took the pills twice. By the third day of exercises my pain was almost completely gone. I kept up my exercises and tried to look up from the keyboard more often, but eventually I stopped doing both. My neck didn’t hurt anymore. I decided that maybe it was the stress, it was just that the stress made my posture worse than usual.

Skip ahead about eight or nine months. I went to GeekGirlCon with a few of my friends. We were all cosplaying, and I was dressed as Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie. My friend Kristina is a vlogger, and she was making a video about life in costume. Our friend Joe followed us around the convention shooting video as we walked. I didn’t think much of it. He was looking for candid shots, after all. A few days after the convention the video went up. It was a fun video but I couldn’t enjoy it. I was too distracted. I couldn’t stand the sight of me.

My costume looked great. My wig looked great. But I was walking around looking like my 90-year-old grandmother the year before she passed away. How is it I never noticed? I saw my posture every morning in the mirror, yet I never knew how bad it had gotten. I tried to blame it on the heavy wig. I tried to blame it on convention fatigue. But I knew I was just making excuses. I didn’t want it to be true. I looked so bad. And so unhappy. And I knew the truth right away: I always looked like that.

I’m not sure what all needs to be done (I’d welcome your suggestions), but I need to do something. I’m going to start by reviewing my old class papers from Alexander Technique, which I think will help. I’m considering doing an online typing course to teach myself to look up from the keys. I certainly need to stop putting my hair in clips (because of my car’s headrest, hair clips make hunching while driving mandatory).

This post is both backstory and blackmail. Like when I did the Clean Eating Challenge last fall, I want a bunch of people to bug me if I flake out on this. Certainly it will take more than a week, it may take months or years, but I should at least check back in about a month from now. Let’s say February 16th.

Here’s to changing how I walk in the world. Here’s hoping it’s not too late.